Lately, I've had a general complaint about a certain male behavior, and my pondering has morphed into not being sure whether or not men realize they do this.
It's pretty simple really, and it goes something like this: If you're in a committed relationship and have a friendship with a single woman, she needs to know that you're not available.
That sounds simple, right? So why do I keep getting burned by this?
It's pretty obvious when a man is wearing a wedding ring that he's off the market. When a man is dating someone, even long term, it can be less obvious unless he chooses to make it so.
Men, you need to know that women try you on like we try on shoes. It doesn't take long from the initial introduction until we're trying to picture what we'd talk about on a date, what we would do on a lazy Saturday morning together, how we'd interact as a couple having dinner with our friends...
If you didn't realize that, please don't be freaked out. In a healthy woman, it's just a preliminary assessment of potential compatibility, and it stops there. It doesn't mean we've already planned a life together and are going to make sure it happens come hell or high water. We've just done a quick mental inventory and decided that there's enough potential to say yes to a date should you ask. (If, on the other hand, you find a woman who believes that you will indeed spend your whole lives together just because that picture of Saturday morning is romantic and happy, RUN. Run fast. She's not healthy at all.)
Back to the issue at hand. A casual reference to your girlfriend when chatting about your weekend plans, a photograph in your office... these are the subtle clues that help us single ladies cease & desist trying to see if you might be a good fit.
If that initial try-on yields hopeful images, and you don't let us know you're not available... well, that's when the hurt happens. We click well in conversation, we have lots in common, we think you're attractive, and we notice you notice us.... so we think This is someone I could see myself with. We definitely have a connection. You've never mentioned a significant other, and you seem to show interest. And that's when our heart starts to get attached.
It may be completely unintentional for many men, who assume that either we know you're not available, or that it's just innocent flirtation so what's the harm? Other times, I've distinctly felt that it's intentional. Either the man is enjoying the ego boost of having the woman's attention, or perhaps he is keeping her in the dark about his relationship because he kinda digs her and wants to keep her for a backup in case his current relationship fails.
If the latter, let me say this: Letting us know that you have a girlfriend now doesn't mean that you wouldn't be up for consideration in the future if you become single again. Even more so because then we'd know if we were ever to become your girlfriend, you'd show us the same respect of letting other women know you're not available.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have friendships with single women for fear of sending the wrong message. I'm just saying be transparent. If over the course of hours of conversation you haven't found one opportunity to mention that camping trip with your girlfriend, or include her name when describing your plans to attend that concert or food festival on the upcoming weekend, then Houston we have a problem. At that point, I think it's time to examine your motives and let that poor deluded girl off the hook.
Phew. I just really needed to get that out in the open because it hurts. Deeply. Please, please show us respect & compassion with that small action of disclosure. Naturally, the same goes for any women out there who are involved but still stringing along some hopeful fella.
Okay, I'm stepping down off my soapbox now. Thank you and goodnight.
