I joined eHarmony (hereafter referred to as “eH”) nearly 2 months ago after much hemming and hawing. Despite knowing at least two married couples who met via eH, the concept scared me. I was supposed to place my photo on the web and face rejection by men from all over the country? I think not.
Eventually I took the leap with some help from a friend, and two hours or so of personality tests later, my first six matches popped up. And thus began those first two weeks of constant agitation. My stomach lurched and flipped each time I logged on, wondering who might have initiated communication, who might have closed our match, and generally just feeling pressured to determine the potential of these men based on a profile. The matches came pouring in -which was somewhat of a relief...at least I was matchable!- but I felt pressured to make decisions. I didn’t want to close any matches lest I unknowingly close out my Mr. Right.
And then it happened. A Canadian lad initiated communication, and he had all of the humor and charm and wit I could hope for, love for his Savior and his family, similar dreams, and… and well, I let down my guard. His messages left me grinning from ear to ear, giddy like a school girl. I floated down the hallways at work, starting to imagine future visits and life events together.
It’s stupid really. I *know* better than to do that, but the idea that we were identified as “extremely compatible” by the experts at eH, and then had a seemingly great chemistry… It was all too easy to think “Yes! No wonder I haven’t met anyone in Oregon! My guy is in Canada, so it’s not like we were going to bump into each other at the grocery store! All I needed to do was join eH and now my life will begin…”
After some regular exchanges, Canada Boy disappeared into radio silence. I awaited the next message while dismissing other matches with thoughts like, “He doesn’t make me laugh the way Canada Boy does… His writing isn’t witty… He doesn’t grab my attention…” etc. After a three week silence, I logged on one evening to see that Canada Boy had closed our match with the stated reason “I’m just not ready for the next step.”
I fell to pieces. What the hell was he doing on eH if he wasn’t ready to pursue a relationship? Or maybe he was interested until I posted my pictures, and “just not ready” was a lame excuse instead of saying “I’m not attracted to you.” This was the exact reason I didn’t want to join in the first place… to be anonymously rejected seems worse somehow. Why can’t I just meet someone at work or church, have him find me attractive and intriguing, and ask me out?
I was heartbroken, frustrated by the lack of closure, and I walked through the next week or two like a zombie, making small talk and changing the subject or flat ignoring any inquiries of “How are you?” lest I start weeping. I didn’t want to be lectured about not letting my heart get ahead of reality. I already knew that I contributed to my own heartache without being told. This was supposed to be like trying on shoes. This was “practice dating” and I wasn’t supposed to have expectations.
I’m back at it again, reviewing profiles and answering inquiries, but with a sense of detachment. I don’t know if it’s a healthy sense of detachment, or a self-defense mechanism. I have over 100 matches sitting in my box, most of whom I haven’t had any reaction to, either positive or negative. I read each profile, shrug, and move on to the next one. There isn’t anything unsavory enough to make me close the match (with the exception of a few extreme Type A personalities, one self-professed porn addict, and a couple of apparent man whores), but nothing that captures my attention enough to want to pursue communication.
Truly, I don’t know where this eH adventure will lead me. Maybe I’ll be one of those marriage success stories, or maybe my future husband will show up next to me in line at a Starbucks here in Oregon. I just pray that it is soon.
Jesus talked to me last year about guarding my heart, leaving it as intact and unscarred as possible for Him and for my future husband. I reflected after the Canada Boy incident about why I was so willing to allow my heart and mind to plunge headfirst into infatuation, knowing all too well the perilous path I was embarking upon. I concluded that, frankly, it feels good to use that part of my heart which feels like it is wasting away, unused and unwanted. I understand that marriage is not a cure for loneliness, nor is it easy, nor is it the missing ingredient that will complete my happiness. At the same time, I believe I was created with a deep desire to be a wife, and that desire comes from God. I am prepared to work hard at my marriage, and to choose to love my husband every day (even when we inevitably annoy the crap out of each other). Now it’s just a matter of the Lord’s timing. So, Jesus, whenever you’re ready, I’m here...
