Indecision

After months of waffling, I finally ordered the shirt that I feel has described so much of my last year...



So at least I'm being decisive about my indecision. There's that at least. ;o)

Seriously, though, I find that the more I am stressed, sad, discouraged, or dejected, the more difficult I find it to make even simple decisions. Here's the irony... In Myers-Briggs terms, I'm an INFJ. That "J" says I'm not comfortable in limbo, that I like to have things decided as soon as practicable. But ask me what I want to do for a girl's night out, or where I want to eat, and you'll get lots of shrugs and variations of "Meh."

I could pretend that's just because I'm "easy like Sunday morning" (as Beth would say) and truly don't have a strong preference in most cases. I think my family and friends might beg to disagree, though, if I said I wasn't opinionated and didn't sometimes really dig my heels in when I'm in disagreement with a decision.

When it boils down to it, I think I often want people to make decisions for me so I can just go with the flow and not have to expend any emotional energy in the process. I'm tired of being my own head of household. I want to submit to a good leader, like a husband. But then why oh why is it sooooo hard to submit to the Lord sometimes? Isn't He better than any husband, real or imagined? Maybe it's that His plans are often hidden from me, so even though I know His plans are good, I feel like I'm in limbo just because I'm walking blind.

Lately I've had to face up to the fact that I've been disappointed in God. Instead of waiting to see what wonders He will eventually unveil in my life, I blame Him because I feel left on the sidelines of the game. "I'm tired of being a bench warmer!" I rail against Him. I pout. I justify trying to take things into my own hands because in my blindness I interpret the invisibility of His plans as myself being brushed aside while everyone gets to live their "real" lives.

But He is light. Why would He keep me in darkness? I think maybe I'm keeping myself there and need to take a big step toward the light. Not that all will necessarily be revealed, but it's sure more comfortable waiting in the warmth of His glow than glowering under a self-imposed veil.