Philadelphia Part I: Battle of the Airlines

This should have been posted on Sunday, January 25th, so you'll have to take a little trip with me back in time...


I’m en route to Philadelphia – somewhere I’ve never been – for software configuration training. I’m excited since I’ve wanted to take this class for a couple of years now, but I’m also a touch apprehensive. Partly that’s due to my usual reticence about leaving my furry, quadrapedal children at home, this time for 8 days. Also, though, there’s the “what if” game… What if this is too abstract for my brain to comprehend? What if I stink at this and my manager realizes he’s spent $4,500 to send me to a class and still gets no additional skills from me?

I actually had a “test anxiety” dream a couple of weeks ago. I dreamed that after this weeklong brain-stretching extravaganza, I was supposed to take a highly technical test to show what I had learned. I sat down in the classroom, broke the seal on my test booklet, and – to my horror – found that it contained nothing but legal and employee relations questions: “You suspect Employee A is embezzling money from the company. Describe in detail how you would proceed.” “Employee B and Employee C have been in a physical altercation, and both claim that the other employee instigated the fight. What are your next steps?” etc. This being a dream, naturally I could not find an instructor to tell that I had been given the wrong test booklet, and the others around me were blissfully finishing their test in record time and with utmost confidence in their success, while I wailed and bemoaned my fate.

Yes, folks, that’s a bona fide HR nightmare. :o)

This morning did not get off to an auspicious start. I was running a few minutes late – I know, I know… try not to be shocked, right? – and didn’t really allow enough extra time to park in the shuttle lot and take the bus to the terminal. I arrived at the ticket counter 43 minutes before takeoff, only to find out that United’s cutoff is 45 minutes before takeoff. 2 minutes. Seriously. They refused to let me get on my scheduled flight, even though my seat would be vacant. They also charged me $75 for the privilege of being bumped. I was NOT a happy camper to say the least. So after waiting almost 3 hours at PDX until the next flight, a very grumpy and tired Lisa sat in seat 17E mentally ranking and rating United against my usual carrier, Southwest. Here’s my tally so far…

Ticket agents… SWA ticket agents, in my experience, are friendly and accommodating. They actually want you on their flights. Even during freak snowstorms that cause thousands of flight cancellations, they try to get you to your destination without too much fuss. And they look the other way when you’re laden with Christmas gifts and so your bag weighs a couple pounds over the 55-pound limit. United, on the other hand, was unbending and unhelpful in general. It was too much for the attendant to help me successfully use the self-check in kiosk. It wasn’t possible to let me on the flight if my reserved seat hadn’t already been filled by someone on standby. There were no smiles, no apologies, no pathos. SWA +2 United -3

Seating Assignments… This one is a toss-up. The SWA open seating has a certain cattle call feel to it, with folks trying to check in via the web exactly 24 hours in advance to get the coveted A passes with low numbers. On the other hand, there’s a certain advantage to choosing your seat and being (mostly) able to avoid sitting near the families with screaming toddlers whom you noticed in the terminal and prayed (in vain) would not be on your flight. SWA +1 for freedom. United +1 for a more calm boarding procedure.

Checked Baggage… SWA still allows up to 2 checked bags per person, up to 55 pounds each. No fees. United charges $15 for the first bag, $25 for the second bag. SWA +1 United -1

Snacks… SWA still gives you complimentary beverage service and your choice of pretzels or peanuts. United charges $6 for a snack box. Cash only, preferably exact change. SWA +1 United -1

Flight Attendants… SWA has those wonderful, witty, cheeky flight attendants I enjoy so much. I think there are sarcasm and irony portions of their flight attendant exams. On the flight back to Portland after Christmas, one such flight attendant got on the intercom and requested that a certain passenger called Josh ring his call button if he was aboard. When the 30-something-year-old pushed the button, the flight attendant got back on the intercom for everyone to hear and said this: “Josh, your hotel just contacted us. I’m sorry, but they were unable to find the Spiderman pajamas you left there last night. They said you can call back later and they’ll check again.” Heh. Now that was funny. United? Not a single joke cracked in 3 ½ hours. How very boring. On the other hand, at least they weren’t rude. SWA +2 United 0

In-Flight Movie… I’ve never been on a SWA flight that’s had a movie. United treated us to “The Duchess” today, featuring Keira Knightley. SWA -1 United +1 for showing a movie and +1 additional since the movie did not feature any SNL alumni.

Passenger Flatulence… Today felt like I was at a military training base in the biological weapons training facility. Okay, I know I can’t truly blame the airline for the copious consumption of gas-inducing foods by the persons sitting near me – after all, it’s not like the airline gave us any food! – but maybe those oxygen masks need to be available for more situations than loss of cabin pressure. No score here.

Landings… My last two landings with SWA have been at significant speeds, such that myself and many other passengers braced our hands against the seats in the event we’d go sliding off the end of the runway. United had fairly clean landings today, with only minor side-to-side movement. SWA -1 United +1

Okay, let’s check the tally… Drumroll please…

SWA: 5
United: -1

I guess it’s official… I prefer good ol’ customer service to in flight movies or other “luxuries.” :o)